Heavenletters

I thank you Gloria.
I am unsure how to continue though.
When I was a little girl, I remember sitting on my back steps talking to my knees marveling at how nice they were. Not sure why but maybe I was just still getting used to having a body again?
I used to watch the ants and how they seemed lost and when they bumped into each other would just change tact and go the other way.
We do that. We don't mostly want to engage with the persons we meet.
Anyway, I was a shy introverted little girl surrounded by dominant personalities but when I was 8 I contracted encephalitis from a mosquito biting my inner ear and literally went a bit mad for a month or so and lost control of my legs. However, I had dreams and I feel now that they were dreams of David's life he was living at the time. Do not know for sure, but once we were together and he would tell me all the things that had happened to him I noted dates and years and it fitted.
I was given a boy doll that xmas and had to name it David.
I am not sure whether my desire for David to be connected to me is so strong that I imagine all these things but I always had a need to go to USA and once the first opportunity came my way, I took it. At the time, it was marrying an American I had been in a relationship with but I knew I did not love him but still went along with the flow of it all and the 'going to live in USA' part of it drove me along.
I did not consciously feel all of this at the time, but looking back (even before knowing David for real) , I knew this was my motivation. Just didn't know why.
So many little things I feel were driving me towards finding him for 44 years. So many.
I work with children who have an intellectual disability mainly Autism. I have done so for 23 years. I am good at working and guiding and teaching them but I rely on my intuition to 'know' them more than what I was taught to do or how the system works for me to do.
I know that most of the time, something is guiding me to know them in this way and they sense it inside of me.
All the things I have done, are doing and have become in my life (and I would imagine this is the same for us all) have been for a reason. No coincidences and no hunches which are not guides and from the 'real' world of spirit.
My children have come to me to help them through their lives for a reason too. They struggle and are not living 'normal' lives really and have chosen the hard road most of the time. It is frustrating as a mother because you want your babies to be safe and happy and not experience the rough. However, their rough is what is making them grow and as I stand by and watch and worry, I know that I am the only one best for the job of being their mother and that is why they chose me.
They are 28 and 24 now but still I fret for them.
David has taught me the most though. His journey in his life before we physically talked and met was majorly horrific and varied and then all of a sudden he let it all go and came to me. I went through many insecurities of why he would do that and his behaviour was not outwardly as if he was 'head over heels in love" either so it baffled me. To an outsider, he was perhaps taking advantage of me or the whole relationship and how it had evolved was perhaps not 'done' in their eyes no matter how happy I seemed. However, even though he never spoken in this way, I know that he knew he could totally trust me and I would never let him down and so he also knew he knew me and loved me. This scared him but he did know it.
It never scared me but I was more into the spiritual awareness of such things at the time than he was.
I do feel as if I have let him down though in the end and for many reasons but I have to trust the universe and know that again, all things happened for a good reason and he had to go and grow and live as spirit now.
My life is richer for having known him and for having known others too.
My parents, especially my father is another example. I am so proud to have been his daughter and through our lives, we do connect with people of whom we can say this.
So lucky or blessed to have been able to even be around them.
Angels maybe who have come into our lives for help and support and of course the too easily used but not used enough for the right reasons.............word of LOVE.