Heavenletters

To Danilo

Todays Heavenletter at first refused to open for me, this "fatal error" thing I sometimes get. But even fatal things seem to have a way of remedying themselves after some time and finally I was able read about listening for God in my heart. I had used my time in God's waiting room this morning to browse older entries where I happened upon some of your recent posts and found myself quite shaken because they sound as if I had written them, Danilo.

Taking in God's message of today, I felt like hearing a "faint whisper", but since I'm not yet accustomed to listening to faint whispers, I was tempted to listen to my "convenience first" instead. This does not seem possible any more, so here is what I feel moved to tell you.

When it seems to be "no" on all sides, inside and out, carved in stone, etched in steel, it is really a benevolent "no", a loving "no", YOUR loving "no". As fierce and dark as it may look, it is not denying you but beckoning you. It is not telling you that you will have to die to finally "get it". It says, "It was alright, Danilo, to try to figure things out, you did an excellent job. But in the wake of your figuring-out -- in your search for God, in all of your efforts to be honest and spiritual -- your heart has been floating along with you, calmly, waiting its time, that split-second of opportunity when it will tell you or may already be telling you: 'Danilo, let's do something else for a change, let's do something that does not have to be intelligible or plausible or stand to reason. Let us surprise ouselves with the totally unexpected: let us love. Not because there is reason to love, not even because there is anything lovable anywhere. Just because love feels sooo good..'"

You will have guessed already, Danilo, that I myself am someone who knows all about "no". I also know that "yes" came to me as a total surprise, not as a result of effort, not at the end of a series or irrefutable conclusions. God is sudden (although not necessarily spectacular) for those who thought they were God-forsaken. My "yes" is still quite young, nothing you would call robust. In its confusion, it tries to turn to the thinking mind again or to change back into "no". Especially in times of fear and seeming lovelessness (the are the same thing), I still demand to be told the reasons. I know it's silly, but can't help it. Sometimes it feels as if I am worse off now that the old fortress of the intellect is demolished and a new one is not in sight. There will be none, I suspect.

I thought I heard it whispered I should tell this, Danilo.
Whether there is something in it for you or not, I feel very close to you.

While I wrote this, Juliana's post appeared. You will have God's answer, Juliana, I'm so happy for you!!!

Love to all the anguished souls in the world,

Jochen