Heavenletters

Are you telling me, Dear God, that chronic depression over many years is really endless solid gold? That age-old feelings of abject helplessness have been a permanent turning point never used for turning? That feelings of embarrassment and shame or hurt and anger or disappointment, abandonment, worthlessness and all the rest just need to be asked to leave, or just have to be walked out on? This growing suspicion, and finally conviction, that the human condition (ah, well, my condition) is beyond healing was just a bell ringing??? If it is that simple, how come I didn’t even faintly suspect that for so long? Or did I?

There seems to be a very small voice saying, Yes, this is so. I wouldn’t mind some more tangible evidence, my God. But this letter of yours is certainly hope-inspiring. In my experience, the relief of getting up and moving has always been short-lived, leading only to more gloom afterwards. But according to what I understand from your Heavenletter of today, all of this is only because I never trusted that anything would help, I never expected anything to help. It’s a mystery but probably one I don’t have to understand. What I do understand, however, is that I can do something else from now on. I will. Oh, I’m so looking forward to it!

Thank you, dear God, thank you, lovely Gloria,

Jochen