Heavenletters

Thank you for asking, dear loving and caring sister. I'm torn sometimes when what I would have to say might get very personal and probably too long or, worse, might be incompatible with the guidelines (i.g.) and therefore not mentionable. So, often I prefer to keep quiet. I might have in this case.

The "message", I believe, is in what I posted on your blog from Heaven #412, Come Back:

My eyes look into yours with such love that you feel overwhelmed. There is such instant recognition of My light that you are taken aback. Awareness of Me is such ecstasy that you back away in disbelief or disavowal. You tremble before Me.

Interestingly, I found the word "ecstasy" again in Heaven #2103, Greatness Will Serve Greatness which the Generator gave me yesterday:

If you are missing anything in life, dear ones, you are missing the almost unendurable ecstasy of giving yourself away to the Universe and finding that it gives back to you great recognition of all that you are.

Now if, like myself, you were exposed to more violence than you had a chance to come to terms with then, there are all kinds of possible short-term and long-term responses, one of them being that, in a very vague and disconcerting way, you always feel close to that ecstasy, almost stalked by it, while on the other hand you are totally sure you'll never reach it because you were taught you are all kinds of i.g. things, and you bought it! How could you give away i.g. things to the Universe? You simply don't do that! In short, you feel unworthy even after God has told you a hundred times you are not.

To make things much worse, you read about "blessing" in Heaven #414, Whom to Bless, and find yourself absolutely terrified at the recognition of the amazing depth of your hatred and rage and your utter helplessness to bless what you hate most in people. And that Heavenletter goes on to say: If it is hard, the more it must be done. So you think, "Okay, that means I'm done for, I knew it anyway."

Until He says Ask Me to help you, and I will, and you feel once again that perhaps, just perhaps, you are not alone, you don't have to be able to do it alone (one of the core feelings of my life), maybe you don't have to be able to do anything at all. For there is one thing you do know: God will never say "No way", or He is not God. That's the one sure thing in all the worlds and beyond.

So then you come to Heaven #415, Come Here and all the beautiful and soothing things I have posted there in a separate list. And that is when you tell yourself (once again): "Even if I can't do any of those wonderful and magnificent things a God seeker is supposed to do, even if I don't really have the aspirations a God seeker is supposed to have, it must be that I'm still a child of God and that the path is wide open for me too."

And, of course, there is Hearts and Souls, today's wonderful Heavenletter #3161, with all its soothing and even amusing statements, like Yes, of course, grow. Grow higher. This happens naturally. You don’t have to work at it so much. You don’t have to whip yourself into a lather of improvement.

So what is the message I would like to hear more clearly? I am speaking about mad mood swings, about absolute panic, about ego shrieking so piercingly there is no way for you to think one clear thought of your own. I'm asking, When nothing holds, what does hold? The almost diappointingly simple answer is to first somehow weather that state and then get away from yourself as soon as possible – again and again and again. You may not "make it" in this life, or ego may kill you in its deep fear of freedom and ecstasy. But being rid of your nagging ego for a moment, forgetting yourself, not thinking anything if you can manage, is close to the ecstasy of Union. You sometimes hear me scoff at "doing", but what my wanting to hear more clearly comes down to is: "Dear God, don't You know something I can do in moments when everything gets lost, You, me, the sky, the trees and every last vestige of reason?"