You are not pushing a boulder up a mountain only to have it fall again. You are not pushing a boulder at all. Nothing blocks you from reaching the mountain top except for your own desultoriness.
You think your life is aimless, purposeless, random, and that you cannot pick yourself up from it.
You discourage yourself. You deter yourself. Change all that and become a champion of yourself. Bet on yourself.
You have made great strides. You know you are farther along than you were. You know you progress. You do not retrogress.
And you do not go around in circles.
When you let go of any attachment, you are uplifted. Letting go is being uplifted. You want to be uplifted, but you don't want to let go.
Anytime you have felt inspired, something in you lifted. Your attachment to darkness loosened its hold. You saw the light. You saw a new way. That was your lifting. You opened a blind. You let the light through. The light came through simply because you opened a blind.
You have blind spots, and they are dear to you. You hold them to you as your preciousness. Your darling denials. You seem to feel you must nourish them.